Kakashi Cooks a Turkey
by hercat
Summary: The things we do for those we love... V.mild KI


Kakashi Cooks a Turkey by _Please_. It's the light of my humdrum existence  
Summary; The things we do for those we love.

This is _roughly_ based on a radio comedy bit 'Dave Cooks a Turkey' written and performed by Stuart MacLean of the Vinyl Café, broadcast on CBC. This is hands down the best comedy bit I've ever heard or seen. I highly recommend it.

To the nitpickers (I assume there must be some out there) I know that thanksgiving isn't a holiday in Japan. Even a small one like it is here in Canada. But this is my story. So pretend that in Konoha, it's a big event like the states. 'Cause really, this wouldn't work with anything else.

* * *

"_Another_ thanksgiving recipe? I hope you have room for everyone to stay over." 

"Sleep over?" Iruka looked at him questioningly. "I'm not inviting anyone from outside the village, why would they need to do that?"

"Because if they eat everything you're planning to cook they'll be spherical." Kakashi slid his arms around his love from behind and rested his chin on Iruka's shoulder. It was his favourite position. Well, his favourite involving clothing. Well, worn clothing, because there was the one with the pants knotted around…

Gaah, he was horny now and Iruka had that I'm-stressed-and-I-want-someone-to-take-it-out-on-would-you-like-to-volunteer? look that he often had on important occasions. Initially, Kakashi had confused it with the I'm-stressed-and-I-want-someone-to-relax-me look, but he'd figured out the difference after Iruka had pulled Kakashi's hands out of his pants and stuck them to the back of Kakashi's. It had taken hours of trying to figure out what jutsu had been used on him before he'd come across the tube of superglue.

Being a lover was hard on clothing in more ways than one. Kakashi had at times contemplated extending his eccentricity to involve public nudity, but in a lifestyle that heavily involved pointy objects that was just asking for trouble. And he already had all the trouble he needed right here.

He breathed in his lover's scent. He could have broken it down into each component, analysed it like a jutsu he'd captured, but this thing, like his lover, was so much more than the sum of its parts. It meant _happiness, home_ and_ comfort._ He drank it in like life.

Iruka laughed slightly, Kakashi could feel it in his bones and it drew a smile from him.

"You sound like a phone stalker with all that heavy breathing." Kakashi dropped his voice to the seductive whisper that belonged to the lovely creature in his arms.

"Maa, what a lovely idea. Do you have a phone in your office Iruka? Would you tell me what you're wearing?"

"Kakashi! This is serious!" He eyed the blush critically. Turned on, but not so much as to be distracted. Damn it. He snatched the recipe that Iruka was waving in his face and studied it diligently.

"Hmm, yes I see. A mission of the highest caliber" he teased, but stopped when he felt his love slump a little.

"It's just…I wanted to make this special. It looks like everyone will be here for the holiday, and I just wanted to celebrate together." His voice trailed off, and even without looking, Kakashi could picture the sad look on his lover's face. It was an expression that would make him do anything to remove it. Fortunately Iruka didn't seem to be aware of this.

"What can I do to help?" In his haste to help his lover he forgot rule number 4 of his personal code of conduct; _never volunteer._

_

* * *

_

Kakashi wandered the streets of Konoha on his critical mission. To locate and retrieve a turkey. This wasn't made any easier by the fact that it was the day before thanksgiving and there were apparently no turkeys of any size, shape or description left in Konoha.

"I'm sorry Kakashi-san, but I'm sold out. The shipment is late, I think it will arrive in a couple of days, but…"

"That's too late. Shit."

"Maybe you could serve something else instead? We have some nice pigs?" Kakashi tried to picture that, but all his mind could come up with was a mental picture of Iruka strangling him. Or one of sharing the doghouse with his mutt. Neither appealed.

Kakashi sighed and ran a hand through his shock of hair. No, it had to be a turkey. Or…a bird anyway.

Kakashi began to smile. Fortunately for them, anyone who might have recognized the look was already dead.

Pigeons were too small, and kind of dirty. Seagulls, songbirds, they all had the same problem. For a brief moment he toyed with the idea of Genma's summoned hawks, but he was pretty sure the Jounin would put up a fuss. He was protective of his little pets.

No, what he really needed was something ostrich sized. Or turkey sized, he supposed. He briefly considered stealing one, but Iruka would find out. Iruka _always_ found out. And then he'd look at Kakashi with those beautiful brown eyes and ask him how _he'd_ feel if someone stole _their_ turkey (to which the answer was pissed off for a few minutes until he tracked the person down and killed them- but he'd learned that wasn't the right answer to give to Iruka who persisted in believing he had empathy –which he didn't but was willing to try and fake for his lover's sake. With varying degrees of success.)

So…no stealing for Kakashi. At least not where Iruka would find out about it.

So…failing petty larceny, where exactly could you find a big bird?

Kakashi blamed his next idea on Naruto. Specifically, on his incessant babbling about how he'd exploded a giant snake by performing Kage Bunshin no Jutsu inside its stomach. A fact Kakashi thought was made substantially less impressive by the fact that he'd let the snake swallow him in the first place.

Still, it reminded him of a potential source of large birds. And so it was that Kakashi wound up in the forest of death, hunting for dinner.

* * *

Several hours, standing over the corpse of a large – and inedible even by kakashi's standards- wasp, he was ready to admit defeat. He'd found lots of large bugs including a horse-sized spider that had come closer to killing him than the last s-class ninja he'd faced. But no birds. Maybe he could catch a fish instead? 

Almost as if his thoughts had summoned it, there was a rush of wings behind him. In slow motion Kakashi turned to see a giant vulture land and start picking at the dead wasp.

_Bingo_ thought Kakashi, drawing a second kunai. _Dinnertime._

Minutes later he was headed for the gate, awkward bundle flopping at his back. He wished he could cut off the wings, but you were supposed to leave them on. He'd field dressed the vul…the _turkey_, cleaning and draining it quickly. He hoped the smell of burnt feathers came off when he plucked it. He had the feeling he'd overdone it a little with the electrical jutsu. But hey, better overkill than underkill. And if it was already partly cooked it would save time later.

Twenty minutes later he was in the kitchen, bird plucked and in the process of removing the seal that marked the bird as being part of the forest of death and kept it from leaving. He filled it with the stuffing Iruka had prepared and surrounded it with vegetables.

It sat there in – okay, mostly on the roasting pan looking like as fine an example of avian dinner-to-be as he'd ever seen.

Unfortunately, this was not to be the end of his trials. Because when he went to put it in the oven…it didn't fit.

Kakashi tried, for the fifth time to cram the bird in the oven. And failed again. Looking at it, he sighed. There was no way it was going to work unless he removed the racks _and_ the pan _and_ the heating element from the oven. Which kind of took away the point of the whole 'oven' thing. Really, it was Iruka's fault for having an oven you could barely fit a small child into.

"We" said Kakashi to the turkey, "have a problem." He could cut the turkey in half, it would fit then, but it would be ugly. Plus it might not cook right, and he wouldn't have time for both halves.

"Dammit" hissed Kakashi at his nemesis. "I'm going to cook you if I have to burn this whole damn house down to do it." He was abruptly struck by another stroke of genius. What he needed was a bigger oven, not a smaller turkey.

He carefully wrapped the turkey in tinfoil, and the vegetables too. After a moment's thought, he wrapped them together inside another layer. Then, walking into the backyard, he placed his bundle in the middle of the lawn and struck – "Earth Element –decapitation technique" This left him with a pitted turkey, he tossed wood into the hole, lit it with a fireball, and after it was going well, buried the whole mess under a layer of wet leaves covered by dirt.

Feeling smug, he walked back into the house for a nap. He hadn't realised how tiring cooking could be.

* * *

He was woken up by the arrival of a pair of ANBU. He slowly wandered into the backyard where they were, partly for image, and partly because only a fool surprised ANBU. 

"Hatake-san" said the hawk guard "what exactly is this?" he asked, pointing at the pile of dirt smoking at his feet.

"Maa, just an experiment. I'm not sure how dangerous it's going to turn out to be." Which was Kami-sama's own truth. If he presented the incinerated corpse of a bird to Iruka, his own might well be joining it.

The guards eyed each other, and the smoking mound, taking a step back in unison. Kakashi smiled at them placidly, hands tucked in his pockets.

"Someone stoke an animal from the forest and killed some others. We've been asked to find out who." Kakashi nodded vaguely. He was sure they had. Destruction of training obstacles was generally frowned on.

"The Forest of Death is a dangerous place even for someone of my skills" noted Kakashi.

"Un. We're supposed to 'suggest' that this person find alternate means of training." Kakashi nodded again vaguely, not sure if they knew or just suspected. Suddenly the heretofore silent ANBU spoke.

"Kakashi-san? You may want to get that feather out of your hair before Umino-sensei gets here." Kakashi shot a hand to his hair only to sigh as he looked around the now empty backyard. To fall for such a basic trick? He must be getting soft.

Iruka arrived just minutes after the ANBU left. His worried look at the smoking pile of dirt was neatly parried by a reassuring smile from his lover.

"Kakashi…" started Iruka slowly, obviously not quite sure how to phrase the question.

"Don't worry koi, the turkey is firmly under control." He tried smiling again, but apparently his reassuring smile was faulty, because Iruka just started to look suspicious. Was it possible one of his layers of deception had been penetrated? Could he allow this, even with someone he trusted? Would Iruka be horrified by his true soul?

With a sigh, Iruka relaxed and rubbed at his scar, a nervous habit of his. Kakashi was doing his best to remove Iruka's tells, but it was slow going.

"Gomen Kakashi. I'm just so worried about the whole thing. I keep imagining that it's going to be a horrible disaster. This was probably a bad idea, but it's too late to call it off now." He brightened. "Still, with your help I'm sure everything will turn out fine."

Kakashi felt a pang of …something in his chest as his lover started heating up dishes. He tried to identify it. He thought it might be shame. He turned the feeling over in his mind, examining it from all angles. _Huh, go figure_.

He shrugged and went to go get a shovel.

* * *

When Kakashi excavated his prize, he was pleased to see it was properly cooked, though it lost most of its skin to the tinfoil. 

Kakashi figured if that was the worst that happened tonight he could call himself damn lucky.

The table was beautiful, bowls of vegetables and sweet smelling bread covering the surface. There was a place in the centre waiting for the guest of honour, which Kakashi put in place with a feeling, not so much of accomplishment, as profound relief.

He only managed a brief kiss with his koi before the doorbell rang, but Iruka shot him a heated look and whispered 'later' in his ear, causing a sensation in his stomach that he had no problem identifying.

Anko was the first to arrive, always early when free food was involved. She exchanged air kisses with Iruka and a glare with Kakashi.

Naruto was the next to turn up, bounding into the house, smiling at Iruka and shooting a fierce glare at Kakashi. He wondered how long it would be before that stopped. At least the young Chuunin had given up loudly accusing him of 'doing perverted acts on Iruka-sensei'. _That_ had pretty much stopped the time he'd blandly agreed to the accusation. In the middle of the grocery store. In front of Iruka's grandmotherly neighbour.

It had taken Iruka all day to unblush, and another three before he was allowed to get back to those same perverted acts.

Sasuke was the next, and he simply glared at both of them before stalking after Naruto _what a shame all of that angst doesn't come with an off switch. Of course, there are a couple of drugs that would have the same effect…_

"Genma-san, I'm so glad you could make it." Iruka shut the door behind the Jounin, Kakashi's contribution to the guest list.

Iruka, unfortunately was about as fond of Genma as Kakashi was of Anko; that is to say not at all. _There has to be a story there. Iruka, unlike me, is not the kind of person to hold a grudge for no reason._ Fortunately he didn't have to worry about Iruka being polite.

"Wow, nice spread. Quite the little woman you've got there Hatake." _Genma on the other hand…_

At least everyone was glaring at Genma now instead of him. Oh wait, Iruka was glaring at him. Not good. You didn't have to read underneath the underneath to see 'how could you invite this jerk' written across his face.

Kakashi scrabbled for words, never his strong point. Fortunately Iruka came to his rescue.

"Careful Shiranui-san" he said with a bright cheerful smile that fooled no one. "It's bad manners to insult the chef. After all, most accidents happen in the kitchen. All those sharp objects. And carrots" he said with a sharp look at Genma who _twitched_.

_Well, isn't that interesting_ thought his brain while his lower head purred. Vicious Iruka made him so incredibly horny.

"Besides, Kakashi was the one to cook the main part" he said with a sharp smile, placing a possessive hand on Kakashi's shoulder. _Possessive AND vicious? Kami-sama, there are some temptations that are just _unfair._ Not in front of the children. Not in front of _ANKO._ Oh good. That's better._

"Sen_sei_ can we _eat_?" whined Naruto. Kakashi wasn't sure if it was Naruto's ever unpredictable mouthing off or everyone turning to see Anko halfway through her first helping that broke the tension, but everyone relaxed and joined those at the table.

* * *

"Damn" said Anko, picking her teeth with a bone. "You two sure can cook. Bird was a bit tough, but good flavor." 

"I'm really impressed actually" said Genma. "It figures that out of all of Konoha, you two would be the ones with the turkey.

_Everyone_ froze, Naruto in mid reach for a fifth helping.

"Pardon?" said Iruka in a sweet tone that fooled no one.

"Well," said Genma "the shipment of turkey to Konoha was never sent. I was sure there weren't any in the city. How did you find one?"

_Oh fuck_ was all Kakashi could think. Beside him, Naruto examined what was left of the 'turkey' carcass, shrugged, and continued to eat.

The End


End file.
